I'm pretty experienced. I've always loved to experiment and I've been through it all, almost. Anything I haven't done though, is usually covered by other bloggers, just waiting for my inquiring mind. This is great because it gives you confidence going into it...
But it seems, there's always some things people never talk about.... the "not as pretty" realities of sex.
First thing no one told me:
The delayed downpour:
So just got done with a steamy romp with a partner you trust enough to be condom free huh? Being handed a towel to clean up is awesome and courteous and a quick wipe down and you're good...
But then you STAND up. About 15 seconds later the flood comes and you're waddling as quickly as
you can to the ladies, hoping it doesn't reach your ankles before you get there.
Lesson number 2: no, you AREN'T a gymnast.
Think the kamasutra has nothing on you, huh? Sure, you can get into all of those positions with ease...
Ever think to stretch first? I've learned now if I want crazy sex I need to sneak away to stretch first after a harrowing incident in which my hip popped out and I had to punch my partner to get him off because the pain was blinding.
Moral: limber up.
Lesson 3: what control?
As seen in my anal trilogy, you think you have things under control and then you take the dick out and WHAM, one deep breath and you're paying gas. See your muscles get stretched out and your iron control is non-existent.
Lesson 4: cum farts?
Yeah. Those are a thing. I know, gross, right? No one talks about those. You dabble in the world of anal and think you're a rock star... then someone cums in your ass and you think you've cleaned up...
Until an hour later, when no one is home and you have to fart. It's not pretty. It's awful to think of, but I think it's worse to have it unexpectedly happen to you.
Lesson 5: fishing in the dark
So you just got done with your sexy romp. You're both sweaty, sated, and enjoying those last few moments connected. But don't wait too long! As his body goes back to normal, your body might decide to keep a rubbery memento... once the condom gets stuck inside the game of paper, rock, scissors over who has to fish out the party favor is always awkward!
Sex is awesome, but there are some awkward, messy, weird and crazy things that go along with it.
Comment and tell me some of your pro tips.Also, see who is talking dirty, and probably more of the pleasant kind...
I had quite a chuckle with that and indeed have experienced some of the things you describe above. This also reminded me of a post I read on cunt farts, but I cannot remember who wrote it. Unfortunately I don't have any tips for you...ReplyDelete
Things they never tell men (from SilverHubby): 30+ minutes after ejaculation, more will slowly ooze out of you, creating a new damp patch.ReplyDelete
My wife and I always laught at movie sex scenes between to beautiful and ravishing (and ravished) movies stars. Show me Jessica Alba in the bathroom cleaning up. Let me see Ryan Reynolds change the sheets or clean lube off the vibrator and the clock radio (true story). I want to see how they explain the stains on the couch when guests come over the next day. SHow that in the movies and I'll buy a ticket. Funny post!ReplyDelete
Oh the joy of fishing for the party favor...lolReplyDelete
SilverHubby is right too, I really don't care for the after leakage but really it is a small price to pay for the fun before it.
Some of the thinks I know and don't talk about fall into the odd and unusual side of sex so for now I think I will keep those to myself...lol
Great post, seriously I think I have had all of these happen at one point or another. The first few times I felt seriously self conscious about it, but I think I am to the point now where I am just like...meh it happens!ReplyDelete
I am of an age now where those things really do not bother me!! Or am I just a complete tart!!! LolReplyDelete
Anyway, how about sex with the tampon still in and the whole lot string and all up somewhere in the darkest depths - bit like the condom but with the potential of a load more lovely mess!!! ;-)
That was a bit of education for me, as none of those things have happened to me! I guess I have a lot to look forward to, eh? ;)ReplyDelete
Oh these had me laughing! Those really ARE the things no one tells you about.ReplyDelete
Yep, been there, done that for every one of those. Hilarious.ReplyDelete
Luckily I didn't experience any of the aboveReplyDelete
I will second the "I'm not a gymnast" movement...but I do enjoy the post-muscle soreness after a good romp. Well written...I enjoyed the laugh.ReplyDelete