Clueless

Click and play: The Whole Story Needs this Song!

Once upon a time, I had a lover. He was goofy, crazy, and quite the nerd. Within a week of us being intimate with each other, I realized that he was clueless with what to play for make out music - and I mean CLUELESS.

The first hint was given one day when I came over to his house. Being new, we were still impressing each other. I looked hot, all dolled up and sexy. He immediately pulled me over to the bed, and we started kissing. He had roommates, so I pulled back, and breathlessly suggested, "put on some music to block us out."

"Good idea," he said, and proceeded to disappear over the foot of the bed, where his CDs were stored. I heard some shuffling around, and then he popped his head up, holding a CD proudly inquires: "Dr. Dre?". Now for those who don't know, Dr. Dre is gangsta rap. Not exactly romantic, or passionate sexy music.

I wasn't sure if he was kidding. "Um, no, try something else." And down again his head went with the CD, below the end of the bed.

Another hint, and the reason why you're hopefully listening to this incredibly high pitched funny dance song, is that the very next day he decided to try to be sexy for me. In all sincerity, he began to slowly unbuckle his belt, pull it out in his most provocative way, and then pushed play for his "strip" song.

Can you guess where this is going? Yep, The Hampster Dance song came on. Now, he was good looking, muscles and fit, but a true nerd. So in his sexiest moves, he began to circle his head around, maintaining eye contact with me, and then slowly lifted his shirt, pretending to move it down again to be a tease, before it came completely off. A few belly rolls, for lack of anything else to call it, and then he moved to his jeans' button, winking as he undid it. An attempt at some shuffling/bouncing type movement as he lowered his zipper. He hooked his thumbs in the sides of his jeans, and moved in a hula-type fashion while moving the sides of his jeans up on one side and down on the other, and then back again. A few repetitions of this, he turned around, and then yanked down his pants, with his ass nicely in the air. Once he was completely free of his jeans, he turned back around and proceeded to do the same hula dance to take off his boxers, except he didn't turn around for his ass to be the focus, this time it was on his semi-aroused cock.

What is it with men who have a naked penis freely moving? Can you guess his next signature move? It was the helicopter, in which he moved his hips so his penis swung around in circles.

Now, again, he seemed very sincere in his attempts to be sexy. He had no rhythm, and he clearly needed to go to a strip club (I took him to his first one much later in our relationship) to see what sexy moves looked like while removing clothing. But he was putting on a show for me, so I tried very very VERY hard to not laugh, but seriously...how the hell could I not?

To this day, I still have no idea if that was his idea of sexy, or if he was just joking around with me. I never wanted to insult him with "oh hey, were you for real with that hilarious strip dance?" in case that was his best effort. From then on out, I chose what we were listening to...but I can never hear The Hampster Dance song and not think of a goofy but gorgeous guy stripping unskilled for me...and smile.


Not the most wicked, but certainly humorous. See who may be wicked...