Sigh. This wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. I was making a muck of things and it wasn't only hurting my cause, it was hurting him. I had so carefully rehearsed the way things would go, but as soon as I sat him down, it went out of the window.
"I love you."
I knew that these words confused him. I knew they too, almost hurt. It didn't make them any less true; and it also didn't alter the path I had set myself on.
When I first started seeing K it was uncanny almost, the similarities to my Ex. I thought I had done it, finally done it. Ex was everything I had wanted in the care and love department with me, but sexually we were a nightmare. I spent over 5 years in a very loving, committed, nunnery. I wasn't about to do that again. K is a big strapping man and from the first he handled me with care, and cherished me... He also threw me over his shoulder and then on the bed. He'd pull my hair and leaving glowing prints on my ass... I finally had everything. So I thought.
I had been ready to settle down into monogamy again after enjoying the single life for awhile. To achieve this goal I started taking my time getting to know someone. K and I were great together and he respected me for waiting before intimacy. I spent every night cradled in his arms. We'd kiss and touch, sigh and breathe, and reach heights of desire that were hard to come down from.
Finally, though, I was done with waiting. I spent every moment with this man and I knew I had him. We took a weekend trip; I took my lingerie. We had a lovely night out and once we got back to the hotel we were both giddy with anticipation. I lit candles around the room and after a steamy bath I came out in my corset and silk stockings, my garter lace and delicate. My cheeks flushed with excitement...
We came together on the bed and there was a driving urgency, a need that had to be fulfilled. What felt like hours of teasing passed until I was urgent to have him inside of me. This is where it gets tricky.
I had already had a discussion with K about medical problems he had as a child that rendered him unable to feel sensation in more than a very small area on his penis, and the surgery at a young age that meant it never grew up with the rest of him body. He was this BIG strapping man with an extremely disproportionate body. I didn't care then and I still didn't care now.
It didn't work. I am so extremely short and he is so very very tall that the only position we can manage is missionary, and that hurts. My hips can't span him, there was no leverage for me on top. Our height differential made from behind tedious and frustrating as we couldn't even thrust, no matter what we raised me up on. When we were done, it was more an air of defeat and discontent instead of completion.
I got a twinge of apprehension but didn't express it. I offered reassurances, joked about my tiny legs, and said we had so many more opportunities for exploration. We continued on with out weekend and everything was just the same as it had always been.
We had problems with the condom. It wouldn't stay on and what sensation he did have the ability to feel was stripped away. We had a frank conversation about safety and responsibility and decided we would both head out to our doctors and get testing. I was committing to this relationship and monogamy henceforth.
After more blissful time together our results finally came back, and we finally got the green light. I have to say, I expected completely different results from our previous attempt. The foreplay was still amazing. The things this man can do with his hands gives me the shivers just to think of.
45 minutes later and I am covered in sweat. My hips are screaming and my poor body is dried out and tired. K still hadn't come. We waved the flag of defeat and told ourselves tomorrow we'd do better. Weeks go by, our relationship is perfect but the sex is becoming something we are both avoiding now. Sexually, physically, we aren't compatible. I cannot bring my partner to orgasm and it's killing me. I'm a sex goddess in my own right and I do not know what to do with his body. He doesn't feel head, wrapping my hand around him hurts, and other than shallow thrust in missionary, we can't even have sex.
By now though, there's a problem: I love him. I love him enough to be searching desperately for a solution. My self esteem has tanked and I don't make any effort to be sexy... I am losing a very huge piece of me, drowning in loving someone I am not compatible with. His Ex left him for another man, the first woman he had ever been with. Now suddenly, the second might be leaving because of sexual problems. I couldn't do that to him.
I did a lot of soul searching. I felt selfish, confused, and apprehensive. I was thinking about shifting my views on everything I had ever thought was sacred in a relationship. I wanted us to open our relationship.
I couldn't think of losing K, but I couldn't lose ME to US.
I had discussed with my sister the idea and she linked me to some great things on how to approach it. I read everything I could find and formulated a game plan. I had previously been withdrawing from K and now I redoubled my efforts to give him affection and show him I loved him.
So here we were, sitting down for this talk I had planned for ages it seems like and I was making a muck of it. His instant reaction was one of inadequacy. I told him repeatedly that it had nothing to do with my love for him or that he was inadequate at all. I was the problem. I was kink and fetish and insatiable. It was just how I was made. The things that made him love me, that made me vivacious and irresistible were now too leading us down this unexplored path.
I wanted to be open. Not just our relationship, but our communications, our feelings. I would never cheat and so I needed to make this an acceptable part of our relationship. K had many of the problems I knew he would, they'd be the same potential problems I'd be opening myself up to if we opened our relationship. Jealousy, possessiveness, fear. What if the unknown "she" could get him to climax when I had proven so woefully incapable of it myself. I explained that we would have to have very clear boundaries. I was ok with coming home every night rules, of letting the other know what was going on while sparing them the unnecessary details. Of taking it slowly over months before any actual relationships with others were formed.
No matter what I said, though, K always looked - always said the same. He was unable to see himself being okay with it; he was inadequate. It broke my heart. This was our last option. We'd spoken with doctor's, we'd done counseling, tried new toys, wedges, everything. This had to work.... Or I had to leave. I told K that I didn't expect him to be ok with the idea at first, and to just consider it for a bit.
A week went by and K was redoubling his efforts to please me and I was doing the same to him. It wasn't enough for me though. This was my path, this was my choice, and either we could journey into it together, or I would need to do so on my own. I was beginning to withdraw again and knew I needed to bring up my resolve. Now I just needed the right time to do it.
One day, K suddenly comes over to me, rubs my leg and says "Hey, I just wanted you to know, that blog you asked me to read? I read it. I also ordered a book on polyarmorous relationships and I've been reading it along with things I've looked up. I want you to know, that I'm thinking about it. I'm trying to see if I can be okay with it. I love you."
My heart melted and I knew I loved him more. Even if it didn't end up being my perfect fairytale ending, even if he decided he would never be okay with it, I knew I made a right decision in loving him and wanting to stay.
Some things remained to be seen, but regardless, at least I knew that the man I loved, loved me enough to try to be open.