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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Expectations

When I was younger, I slept with a (1) man for a few months. Unbeknownst to me, several months after we broke up, I hooked up with a (2) friend he had. While that relationship was no more than one of sex, we did have sex quite often, and I met some of their other friends, another (3) of which I hooked up with just once.

So when the three of them expected me to start sleeping with a fourth friend of theirs, I was mortified. Just because I ended up sleeping with three friends does not mean that I was going to passed around to their crew of friends. Just because I liked sex, and had it when I wanted it, doesn't mean that I would sleep with everyone who crossed my path, that I "ought" to sleep with men who offered me sex, especially if it was someone I knew. I was promiscuous with casual sex and having a good time, but not indiscriminately - I chose who I was attracted to, who I was going to have sex with, and if I even wanted another partner.

The friend was equally mad at me, and felt a sense of entitlement, like it was "his turn". They even went so far to show up at my house, these four guys, and try to sell/persuade me this the fourth guy. I was shocked, embarrassed, hurt, unsure of how to respond. It was one of those freezing up moments,
when time crawls so slowly, when you desperately want to hit fast forward and see it end.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep with that fourth guy, and the other three fast became a (painful) memory. I wanted nothing to do with them after that.

They had labeled me in their minds and to their friends, and they felt that I ought to stay within the boundaries and expectations of that label. It felt shameful that they labeled me at the time, though I hardly recognized that was the emotion. And I allowed that overruling emotion to define me, and I rebelled, and I shut off my own sexuality for a year. A YEAR, without intercourse, without finding a companion to share my desires and sexually fantasies with.

I can look back on that year and say I was proud of my self-control, except it wasn't my control that regulated it - it was the control that I gave those four guys. It was the control that I gave to society's definition that I was a slut, promiscuous with the negative connotations, an oversexualized female.

And I can even point the finger at myself that I had done the same negative judgments, criticizing my virgin friends for not experiencing sex, assuming they were scared, unable to find someone, or...or... the list goes on.

What I should have done is realized that they have a choice and they CHOOSE when to intimate, and with whom. The same choice that I had, that I wanted other people to respect. It wasn't until the judgment was cast at me that I realized that I was guilty of the same type of behavior.

Wicked Wednesday... be inspired & share...

14 comments:

  1. This is a powerful memory and a warning to men who label the women in their lives. Thank you for having the courage to sahre.

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  2. I wouldn't look back at your year of celibacy with regret. If you chose to do it then you should feel good about it. That being said I think women put to much into men's thoughts. Those guys were assholes and just using any rationalization possible to get what they wanted. I'd love to say I've never tried rationalization to get what I wanted sexually but I'll just say I've learned a lot over my life as you obviously have.

    In the end the right guy will appreciate and celebrate the fact that you like sex just as much as he does and won't read into it anymore than another human being enjoying the connection.

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  3. Strong memories; those guys didn't respect your choice to chose. :(

    And friends have a habit of trying to work out what is best for you and insisting that they are right. :)

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  4. That's an an interesting take and one I saw played out often in high school; the boys seemed to know who the "easy" girls were (I was not one of them, but word gets around). You'd think that would quit after high school, but apparently not.

    ~Kazi xxx

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  5. A painful memory. And I am sure a lot of us have a memory like that or similar. But I am glad to read that you have overcome it and also have overcome your own negative judgements.
    Thank you for sharing this with us

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  6. They are the ones who should be ashamed, you did nothing wrong whereas they behaved like total jerks.

    Mollyxxx

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    1. Absolutely! How creepy/rude for them to show up altogether like that!

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  7. Not a good idea to sleep with a group of guys who are friends. When they came together, they would gossip, compared notes and talked all sorts of nonsense related to you. Some guys just couldn't keep their mouth shut and like to boast to others about their sexual prowess.

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  8. Sometimes we are ashamed of something we have done and forget that the others should be more ashamed, in this case those guys. You've learned from that and no need at all to be ashamed of what had happened.

    Rebel xox

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  9. Argh! Double standards. If you don't meet their needs then you are the promiscuous one? WTF? I have seen this played out over and over again, even now in these 'enlightened times'. Having a sex drive is not a crime. Liking sex is not a crime. Thank you for sharing honey.

    Rachel x

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  10. I agree with Rachel, a wold of double standards. If you feel right about your choices that it is all good in my book.
    Thank you for sharing.

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  11. I like that reflection towards the end, of getting back the control into your hands ~ Sometimes we judged too hastily, not thinking that it is hurting other people ~ When it is our turn now, we learned to be more open minded, to have a stronger voice, and to say NO, when we mean it.

    Have a good day ~

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  12. Well stated...a very honest and introspective reflection.

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate and painful situation for you at that time (and I think which still causes some hurt). Well done you for holding out and making YOUR choice of what you wanted or not.

    I am a firm believer of karma and what goes around comes around..... eventually.

    ~Mia~ xx

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